Update — a fledgling man’s persepective

Budgets? Yeah, but so much more. These past few months have been frantic. It is a vast understatement to suggest that I was under-prepared for this season.

I’ve not just budgeted blindly, but scoured and ruminated the counsel of Dave Ramsey, Warren Buffett, William O’Neil, and my local CPA. And all of this takes time—something I lack these days.

“Only 41 days!” Ryan pulls out his hair, “AGGHHHHH!!”

I filed my taxes, a massive undertaking of elephantine proportions, even with the automatic extension. I don’t mind them too much; they’re like a game. Remember Mad Libs from the eighties? Well now, instead of nouns and verbs, it’s income and deductions. All so much fun…’till the last line anyway.

Going forward, it appears I’ll be working for a great company in California. I’ve been consulting with them for years, and now they’re ready for more hours than I’m able to devote in my spare time. They’ll become my primary client, and I’ll leave Clarkson and work from home (here in upstate New York) for the first-year anyway. I feel like I’m just starting to settle in at Clarkson, just starting to get comfortable; I’m not too excited to leave them all.

With a big contract comes the need for Incorporation—to help reduce the tax burden of self-employment. So we’ve filed our Articles of Incorporation, and I guess I’m now the president or something of a company!

Along with all this money talk, I’ve been trying to automate our financial life. (We’re really not geeks, we just DO NOT want to think about this stuff after the wedding.) For that, Quicken and online banking are blessings.

“It’s amazing what you can do with computers these days, ain’t it Ethel!”

Where we’ll live has been the “next big hurdle.” Our lives as singles have been spent mostly in Potsdam, but the surrounding towns offer less expensive (and often nicer) accommodations. This is on the critical path for me, because I don’t want be homeless on our honeymoon; the thought stresses me out. More, my lease expires in two weeks, and I’d like to move in before Danica—gotta make sure I get the bigger bedroom!

“Now those classified ads are around here somewhere.”

Of course, there’s also the little daily details: I just got measured for my tuxedo, though still haven’t settled on a style. Life insurance (20 or 30?), and I’ve been researching beds and everything else we need by July.

“How many coils does this have maam, and what gauge?”

Don’t forget my 9-5 either, and trying to execute an LDAP-based identity management service for Clarkson before I leave.

Again, Ryan pulls out his hair: “AGGHHHHH!”

And with all these things, I have the counsel of good men in my life (Mike, Rick, Alan, Gard, and my Dad) who all provide direction to some kid trying to become a man, overnight.

But really, it’s God I need at the end of the day, because I’m in way over my head. See, there’s this wonderful girl I love so much, and she needs me to be strong, to give when I have nothing more to give. And at that place, I run out of ideas and words fall short to inspire me. It’s there that I am faced with the shallowness of my pride, where my response must be new depths of humility. And that, no man can show me the way, for only God can give me the grace I need.

Oh to be saved from my sin! I cannot imagine life without Him.

update

Just so you’re all in the know, this is how life is shaping up:

We’re staying here, in St. Lawrence County, for another year. How glad I am for the opportunity the Lord provided. I’m looking forward to making this transition with the stability and encouragement of such wonderful families around us. We’re looking for a two-bedroom abode so that Ryan can set up a home office. No more coming home fried from the office at the end of the day. And I won’t have to get in the habit of packing lunch! Yes, this is from the Lord, and I’m so thankful.

That two-bedroom abode–we’re still working on that, waiting to see what God will provide. God is better than we imagine, and so it’s my expectation that when we sign a lease, it will be for the perfect amount, in the perfect location, in the perfect place.

My dining room table is stacked with invitations… And wait till you see them! Actually, I’m sort of sorry about how long you’ve been waiting for them! But I’m happy with the results. They’re one-of-a-kind, and my dear friend’s very first wedding invitation design. It will go in her portfolio and launch her into a successful career…or something!

Ryan is budgeting and budgeting and then re-budgeting again. Playing with numbers is obviously much more fun for him than it is for me! He has columns for this and that, with sub-totals and percentages. Each day it’s, “Ooh, did you remember such-and-such?”, or, “Does anyone know how much two people spend on groceries?” That’s a silly question to ask around CFC; no one feeds only two people!

My wedding shower is next week, and I still don’t know what kind of dishes I want. Mom is doing all she can to help md figure out what in the world my heart’s desire is, so I’m confident that I’ll discover it eventually. This whole being in charge of decorating a whole house–all at once–is slightly overwhelming. Yet another thing that I’ll grow into.

And Ryan is now an uncle. His niece was born yesterday, and Camryn Teresa is beautiful. How much fun is that?

a game of catch-up

There’s something about planning a wedding in three months that leaves you feeling decidedly behind. Perhaps it’s because everytime I see a little wedding planning guide, the first thing I read is, “24 months before your wedding, secure a location…” And boom. I’m already 21 months behind.

But somehow I feel sure that, even though I bought the dress 3 months before and not 6-12, and even though the invitations have yet to be mailed because they have yet to be delivered because they were ordered 2 months before and not 4, the wedding will happen in pefect loveliness, people will be there, and I’ll walk out with a different name.

Deep breath.

musings.

It’s crazy, this season.

It’s a season of grace, of learning, of tears, of smiles, of keeping focus, of prayers and answers, of exhaustion, of excitement, of question marks and certainties, of whispered sweet nothings, of sharp words later regretted, of cloud nine, and of burdens too great to carry… Did I say it’s been a season of learning? Yes, that’s the bottom line.

Christianity is practical right now. How do I love the Lord? Many times it’s as I love him. My friend and I found an hour to spend together last weekend–a total rarity. We decided to end our conversation with prayer, an opportunity especially sweet because of how often shared prayer used to happen. Just as we had bowed our heads and quieted our hearts, my phone rang. It was his number, and so I answered, had a quick exchange, and then put my car in gear. “He needs me to do an errand, right now.” Her face was crestfallen, and I just laughed. “Welcome to my spirituality, friend, where finding God comes down to whether or not I’ll drop everything and run across town when he needs me to.” Yes, gone are the days of being single, a shift brought into sharp focus because of how fully I lived my single life, and how fully I am trying to embrace this new calling.

And so go my days. There are moments of still sitting silently with journal and pen, of singing love songs to my Savior, of plugging away at my Bible in a Year, but my life has changed. I still pray to see people raised from the dead, but I pray for things like pots and pans and mattresses, too.

I learn about myself, too. Edges I thought were long gone are re-appearing, and I find that I’m not quite as sanctified as I thought; I simply had learned how to get along with my family! Now there’s someone new, moving into close proximity, defying all sense of personal space, and I find that I need Jesus again to help me hold my tongue, to keep my temper in check, to encourage and not totally crush, to hold my tears at bay and take a hit now and then.

But I learn that Jesus is near, too. I’m amazed that as I open my heart, while there is the ability to be hurt and disappointed to whole new depths, there is the ability to know love in a new way, too. This one whose habits sometimes grate and cause me to get patience is the same one who is growing intimately acquainted with my weaknesses and shows grace and forgiveness. After a day of being what I think of as needy and demanding and critical, he smiles with tears in his eyes and tells me I’m wonderful. Hope springs eternal in our hearts, and morning after morning, after tears and upsets the day before, we love. But that sounds silly, I suppose, when what I’m trying to say is that we minister grace and words of life to one another. Our friendship began with Jesus Christ, and He continues to be the strongest cord that binds us. When our hearts are set on Him, are set on learning His ways and His words and His will, there is no end to the love poured out and shared between us. God Himself is there.

And as if that wasn’t enough, there is on top of all of that the destiny and purpose of God. There is the excitement of knowing that He is at work in us, and the desires of our hearts–to touch people’s lives and live fully for the glory of God, wherever and however and with whatever–will be given. We look back at almost 10 years of yesterdays and see God’s goodness; we look at today, at what He’s doing in our hearts, and we see His faithfulness; and still more, we look to tomorrow and see so many promises, as good as given, because we know who He is.

Now if I can only rein in these lofty thoughts and figure out what music I want for the wedding ceremony…!