Date Archives → October 2005

sunshine

“Until I see You face to face…”

My soul is clinging today to Him, to grace, to a haven of promise. Yesterday was like a torrential downpour on my soul–and just when you finally get an umbrella of faith opened up, a gust of wind comes and blows your teeny-tiny umbrella inside out, leaving you drenched and undone. Bedtime was the best thing of the day, as much as I hate to admit it.

So today I woke up almost cautiously, quietly and astutely approaching the new day. Is it safe for me in this land of the living?, my emotions wonder.

And yes, of course it is. Not because the waters of life are serene and placid, necessarily, but because God is on the throne. “His mercies are new in the morning,”
Ryan said to me last night. I said it again to myself this morning, thinking, “I’m glad the mercy is plural. I need every single one sometimes.” (Although I’m not sure how you have mercies. Isn’t it just mercy, no matter how much you have?)

Ryan had the coffee brewing, a few candles lit, and my favorite mug waiting when I stepped past the bedroom door (and this is backwards, for those who aren’t regular morning visitors around here–which made it extra-blessing-ful!) I sat with my banana and coffee, and the phone rang. It was Merrick, absolutely thrilled because he discovered that the new light saber we bought for him glows in the dark! He loves it even more now!

Ryan danced in the middle of the kitchen. “Why are you and Sarah exactly the same? Where did you guys get this from?” He just laughed. I smiled, glad for the enjoyment of humor, something totally lacking in yesterday.

Worship music plays in the background of my life, reminding me, inviting me, to look up.

So I will. I’m looking up.

Oh–and look, the sun is peeking out!

Deep sigh. It’s gonna be okay.

misc.

It’s not raining. It’s not sunny, but neither is it raining, so I’m thankful. Maybe I can take a walk today and remind myself of how wonderful fresh air is on a fall day!

*****

My little sister popped over yesterday to use our copier. I hope they start using it all the time; I love when they’re here visiting me!

*****

I saw a fresh new baby yesterday. He was serious, so very serious, with his eyes so OPEN! I held him and just looked and looked, letting the joy of such a moment seep down into places that have yet to be fully refreshed. I’ve always been amazed by how much a new baby can minister to me. Thanks, Aiden.

*****

I listened to country music while I drove. Actually, the same CD has been in for days and days while I soak up every clear and perfect nuance. As I listened to the banjo and twangy voices yesterday, I had to laugh at myself. Country music? Granted, I don’t listen to all country music, but… Come On Over and Fly–my introductory country music experiences. And I’ve never gone back.

*****

Our little aparment is never quieter or more fun than when we’re both totally absorbed in artistic projects. He, with his letters and numbers and funny symbols–and the occasional call for help with a color opinion–and me with glue and paper, needle and thread. Music blares and we barely notice. And of course, time flies while we barely notice, too. Needless to say, we had a late night!

*****

Another trip this weekend. I’m looking forward to seeing my “in” family. It’s amazing how quickly they’ve found a place in my heart, and how eager I am to learn everything I can so I can love them well. They’re wonderful people.

That’s all. Back to my morning!

promises

“Show me Your ways, oh Lord. Teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; for You I wait all the day.”

“But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things.”

“I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

We don’t have to know everything. We don’t have to have a game plan for every new season, or have the route mapped out before we get to the turn in the road. He promises to teach us His holy ways–the ways my soul so hungers to know–and He promises to be with us as we flounder and falter and eventually figure it all out.

I remember when Ryan and I were engaged, Ryan asked Dad if there were any books we should be reading. My dad said, “No, not really. See, there’s an advantage to being a Christian: you don’t have to cram for every new situation you find yourself coming into.”

I think of that all the time. I don’t need to frantically find the right shelf at the Christian bookstore and then devour its contents. I have the Holy Spirit–and He leads me today as surely as He’s led me in all of my yesterdays.

What a comforting thing to know. He makes our footsteps firm. He is for us.

confessions

Tonight I took out my Biblical Confessions sheet (CFCers, raise your hands– you know what I’m talking about.) I began reading under “Faith”…and was challenged, inspired, empowered. You know.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”–hmm, yeah, wow. Powerful. “…With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible!” Stop. Read again. Huh.

I guess when I think about being able to do “all things”, my definition, in actuality, falls short of “all”. It’s more like, “within the realm of human possibility.” In real life, I quote Philippians 4:13 until I come up against something that just seems bigger than me, and frankly, I’m exhausted. And you know, that’s all right. I’ve done enough for one day. I’m only human; I can’t be expected to do the impossible.

I mean, it’s just silly to think that I could love anymore than I’ve already loved, or serve anymore, or give anymore, or work anymore, or smile and be cheerful anymore. Come on. I mean, at some point, you’ve just reached human limitation, and what can you expect, after all?

But there it is, plain as day, black and white, inspired Word of God. He, a constant source of strength and character and JOY! I can do all things–and still more!

I read on: “All things are possible to him who believes. If I have faith as a grain of a mustard seed, I can say to a mountain, ‘Move,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible to me.”

All things are possible. I began to recall moments of doubting in my recent history (24-36 hours is enough, in this situation!). What was I doubting? This: my ability to have a better attitude. The possibility of this actually turning out to be a decent day. Not terribly spiritual, and it would usually slip under the radar screen, but not today. Suddenly that grumpiness, or the exhaustion that seems to prohibit smiling, is a mountain in my heart–a mountain that can be moved by faith.

Nothing will be impossible to me. Happiness, joy, cheerful service, endless giving–these are not impossible to me. Even when they’re out of the realm of human possibility, and a mountain of stubborn flesh seems to be quite decidedly in the way, they’re still an option for me!

And with that thought, I’m off to bed!

late.

It’s late.

Friends were here for dinner and stayed to visit. We all were happy to end things on the early side and find our beds at a reasonable hour. Just as jackets were gathered and good-byes said, Ryan got a call. Without hesitation, he donned sweater and shoes and was gone.

And so I gleaned all the inspiration from his sacrifice that I could and managed to wash all of the dishes. That done, I sat and read… and waited.

He’s not home, though. He’s happily, willingly still out there somewhere, talking with a young man who needs him. So I think I’ll call it a night, but just thought I’d mention out loud:

I’m very in love. I’m loved very well. And for that, I count myself well blessed.