balance?

The question of balance plagues me continually. I’m sure I’m not the only one. The melancholy idealist, must-do-the-right-thing firstborn in me agonizes over everything, trying desperately to know what’s right. Which food: health, time, money? Which clothes: how many, how much, how fancy? Which outings: am I building my home or being a recluse, building the kingdom or neglecting my hearth? Which tasks: goal oriented or people oriented? Radical living: give it all away, say thank you and enjoy? This moment: should I be doing what I’m doing, or am I missing it?

Am I missing it???

That is the churning that is my [almost] constant companion.

Thankfully, when I still myself long enough to notice that stomach-in-knots churning, I can tell myself that there is peace.

But how? How is there peace? Will God tell me the exact number of outings per week a woman of virtue says yes to?

No.

There is no perfect balance. There is only the will of the Father.

Moment by moment, hearing, seeing, and then doing.

This, after all, isn’t about knowing God’s plan for my life. It’s about knowing Him.

“My food,” said Jesus, “is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work.”

“I delight to do Your will, O my God.”

a little bit of everything


Beatrice, out on Kevin and Liz’s boat

July 17th is a big deal this year: Beatrice is eleven months old today, and next month, we start counting by years. We are all so in love with this happy, spunky, silly girl. The feeling is mutual, of course. She loves her brothers and adores her daddy. The funny thing about being the mom is that love is simply assumed. She crawls after the boys and works so hard to get a laugh from Ryan, but me? She just knows I’m here. Being a mama is such a privilege.


Watching this afternoon’s storm come in

It’s raining.* This is also a big deal. Our grass is so dry that walking on it hurts. Worse, crops are dying of thirst. Needless to say, the sound of rain as I woke up thrilled me. I do not begin to have the emotional stamina and resiliency needed for farming, but the closer I get to my local farms through greater dependency on them for food, the more I get to share in those ups and downs. Hats off to them.


Pretty breakfasts are one of my favorite things

I got to read through Animal, Vegetable, Miracle again, since one of the moms groups at church decided upon that book for a fun summer read. Second time through, I caught little things I missed the first time. One thing Kingsolver pointed out was that while Good Eating is full of positives in many cultures (think Provence, Tuscany…), Good Eating in the States is a food culture of negatives: you can’t have dessert. Drink skim milk. Low sodium cold cuts for you. Freezer meal while your family eats KFC. And largely, I think that’s true. If my friends and I have a conversation about healthy eating, what gets talked about? What we can’t eat. I realized that part of what I’ve so enjoyed about creating a home for my family has been defining a good and positive food culture. Instead of depriving ourselves of yumminess and calling it healthy, we’re eating delicious food that celebrates taste and health. Guess what? God wants us to be healthy, and He didn’t bother creating a Crystal Light plant in the Garden of Eden — so maybe there are actually yummy ways to be healthy. Right?

Of course, that idea of “good” being a concept riddled with negativity made me think about so many other things. How often does our meditation on a “good and holy” God turn into thoughts of what isn’t holy instead of what is? After mulling this over for weeks, and thinking about how I want to live a life of “I get to!” in front of my kids, I read C. S. Lewis’ words on the subject. He, naturally, says it much better than I ever could:

If you asked twenty good men to-day what they thought the highest of the virtues, nineteen of them would reply, Unselfishness. But if you asked almost any of the great Christians of old he would have replied, Love. You see what has happened? A negative term has been substituted for a positive, and this is of more than philological importance. The negative ideal of Unselfishness carries with it the suggestion not primarily of securing good things for others, but of going without them ourselves, as if our abstinence and not their happiness was the important point. I do not think this is the Christian virtue of Love. The New Testament has lots to say about self-denial, but not about self-denial as an end in itself. We are told to deny ourselves and to take up our crosses in order that we may follow Christ; and nearly every description of what we shall ultimately find if we do so contains an appeal to desire. If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is no part of the Christian faith. Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased. [more…]


Pirates, sleeping in our very own yard!

Today I dropped off my IHIP — required by the state of NY for home schooled children. All spring and summer, thoughts about next year’s school has occupied a place on the back burner of my mind. Now, heading into summer’s end, it’s time to move thinking into planning. Not that first grade is terribly complicated or taxing — but still, there are priorities to sort and Big Rocks to put in first, because how quickly our jars fill with the pebbles of life.

I’m thrilled to have the opportunity to teach Jameson at home. The further along this road called Family that I find myself, the more I realize how much there is to reevaluate, and how much lives outside the box. Another brief side note Kingsolver makes in her book is the observation of the school year: children originally had the summer off because their families needed their help during planting and harvest. Yes. School doesn’t need to rule our lives; it should fit into and enhance our lives. That made me stop and ask: How do our children fit into this family? And how does school fit into that? We have the incredibly daunting responsibility of shaping and equipping children to become young men and women of ethic, honor, and function. I’m so very thankful to know that God has called us and God has anointed us in this endeavor.

*I wrote this post this morning, and then the rain returned in force this afternoon. Hopefully the farmers were blessed, and the people in Potsdam certainly had a fair share of excitement!

end of june

[I tried to insert pictures, but got frustrated with a flickr glitch. Click through if you want to see them!]

Last Monday was our 7th anniversary. Seven is closer to 10 than to 1. This year, our special day landed right in the middle of deadlines for Ryan, so celebration looked like a smile in the morning, roses ordered and delivered last minute, and saying at the end of the day, when Ryan looked up from his work, “So, seven years, huh? Wow.”

Just like most other special days, the best way to celebrate something is to just do it fully. (This makes me think of Psalm 116:12-13.)

I took a few pictures of the day, comparing it with a smile to our lives seven years ago. You know: special hairstyles and make up compared to finally getting a shower sometime that afternoon. And other comparisons that made me deeply thankful: two individuals who were “one” in word but still learning how in deed, compared to a family of five who lives life together in purpose and love every day.

*****

Our family of five will take a “real” vacation for the first time this year. A little house on a lake, shallow beach, boats and fire pit: these things have my little boys very, very excited. A whole week, rain or shine, to just take the moments as they come. Okay, that has me excited, too.

William has been practicing his summetime-and-the-livin’-is-easy.

*****

Another stage of our renovation is nearing completion. Do I sometimes just sit in the lamplight and soak in the loveliness? Yes, I do.

Also, on the increasingly rare afternoon that all three children are asleep, I sit in the sunshine and soak in its loveliness.