the girls

the haze of spring’s green appears on the trees

Beatrice’s first “real” visit to a playground — she couldn’t get there fast enough!

wrapping up our first grade book work outside

taking a break from riding

sheriff william, keeping an eye on the neighborhood

mother’s day with my boys

– birds return, and suddenly, the air is full of activity after a long and silent winter.
– trees form beds, but not before they let their sap run, giving us the maple syrup we enjoy all year.
– snow melts, at last, and boys dig out mud boots for an inaugural tromp through our property.
– bedroom and bath gets emptied of all belongings in preparation for a coat of paint.
– baby adds words to her vocabulary every day, and after 20 months of waking multiple times each night to nurse, suddenly sleeps like a big girl. (I miss her cuddled-up body.)
– family room gets cleaned from top to bottom, and rearranged, and I’m amazed by how much peace it brings.
– baked falafel and homemade pita are my new favorite.
– and so many other little things that make up our alternating simple and busy days.

But I’ll admit, my heart is a bit preoccupied in this season:

– blatant dismissal of our Constitution by NY’s governor.
– the same man’s attempt to “lead the country” in abortion expansion.
– a huge population of the Church showing confusion over what, exactly, marriage is (a picture of Christ and the Church, and nothing less.)
– a serial murderer who first got away with his crime for far too long, and now continues to get away with anonymity.
– people who are shameless about their agenda to take my children away. (Don’t stay silent.)
– 336 million murdered since 1971.
– and so much more.

This is the world which God so loved.
These are the sins for which Jesus died.
I need Him.
You need Him.
We need Him.

I love the Lord
Because He hears my prayers and answers them;
Because He bends down and listens.
I will pray as long as I live. Psalm 116

Today, the sun never quite made it out. When dawn finally came, it revealed rain. My planned walk was quickly cancelled, and our morning chores were motivated by a reward of afghans, candles, and All Creatures Great and Small on Netflix. (Overcast spring days can be such a disappointment, but reminding myself that I romanticize such weather when it happens in England helps me to change my opinion.)

Today, I put our Advent-turned-Lenten candle wreath away. Our awaited Redemption has come, and we live in His great victory — today, tomorrow, and the next day. But we also continue to wait and look and live in expectation, groaning with creation, knowing there is a complete redemption to come. We live in brokenness — experiencing within ourselves the wholeness of a new birth, and proclaiming that Good News to the broken hearts, broken societies, broken systems around us. There is life to be had! He has come! And He is coming!

Today, I had school plans and chores lists and hopes for reading out loud. But inspiration swept two boys into the world of Playmobil, and so I slip quietly away, not wanting to interrupt them in this magical moment. Play away, little boys. Pretend and laugh and build and create. The bathrooms and books can wait.

Today, I pray for the grace to be a faithful wife, mother, homemaker, sister, friend, citizen, daughter. How? How to be faithful in even one of those without lacking faithfulness in the others? Because most of all, I’m called to faithfulness to Jesus, and to the will of my Father. And He is happy to lead those who long to be led.

This little baby, growing in my belly, is halfway through his in-utero journey. That is hard to believe. Baby #4 has two big brothers who are ecstatic about his arrival (– “his” being used a general pronoun for human being of yet unknown gender. We like to be surprised at the very end!) He also has a sister who is growing quite infatuated with babies, her baby doll, and being bossy — all the makings of a fabulous big sister, no?

As for me, I’m just amazed and mystified at the fact that a baby, a human being, is created inside of me. And quickly, too! I’m also taken by surprise by the sheer amount of energy required of me for something that is almost invisible to my eye. (Can my shockingly round abdomen fit into the category of “almost invisible”?) I have struggled with deep frustration over my constant exhaustion, wanting to dismiss it as sheer silliness, something that I can surely ignore and just press through. But no. This baby already needs me, and I forget. I forget that I am legitimately mothering four people right now. And I am reminded that this can be a gentle easing into a life more dependent on the Holy Spirit than ever before, if I stop striving and just learn.

*****

A little tribute to my unborn baby seems an appropriate time to make sure local readership is aware of this unfortunate fact. It’s easy to ignore things like this, or make excuses for why action isn’t really required. But the truth is, your actions matter. They matter to bottom lines, to unborn babies, and most of all, to God. This is something Ryan and I are freshly challenged by. More on that in another post.

It’s snowing. Not snowy, but snowing, seemingly every day. This is a long winter, for sure. But as eager as I am to just smell some fresh air and ditch the snow gear, I’m also appreciating a few extra weeks of the quiet that winter brings. Soon enough, I’ll add yards and gardens to cleaning muddy kids to my to-do list. For now, we just enjoy each other inside, and I focus my attention to the domain within these walls.

William went on a get-away with Daddy. Every single photo Ryan sent was of a beaming little boy. Every moment was super special and super exciting, and he came home with his little love-cup brimming to the top — and splashing over. What a special boy.

I was just made aware of the book “Ten Boys Who Changed the World”. Has anyone read that book, or any of the related books? I’d love to hear some feedback. Earlier this year, I read the boys a children’s biography of Amy Carmichael, and it was the best read-aloud yet. There hearts were so evidently stirred to love Jesus and believe in His power. Missionary stories were my favorite growing up, and Mama read several to us besides the ones I read myself, but I can’t think of too many that were particularly 4-year-old-friendly. So any feedback on the above title, as well as any other recommendations, would be appreciated!

I was reading a thread on Facebook last night, started by someone whose worldview is vastly different than mine. It just made me ponder again how thoroughly our worldviews inform our perspectives and values. We literally can’t see past them. Another’s worldview just seems ludicrous and impossible for us to really empathize with. So, in a world full of intelligent people who seem to have connected their dots in a completely different way than I have mine, how can I be so sure I have a leg to stand on? Is it really just a battle of wits, and popular vote? Or can you build your worldview on something altogether True? (Take a listen. It’ll take a few loads of laundry or a couple commutes back and forth, and it’ll be worth it.)

I’ve struggled with diastasis recti since post-William (or maybe even pre-William, but unaware?) Even after William, I didn’t really understand what it was, and when I couldn’t get rid of my baby belly, I did what anyone would do: more crunches! Little did I realize that I was making it even worse. Slowly, I’m learning more and finding exercises that require much diligence, but will hopefully lead to a mended abdomen after this baby. Do any of you have experience/knowledge to share?

Maybe it’s the snow, maybe I’m just a bit tired and behind, but we’re finally getting our sights set on Easter Sunday. Last night, Ryan talked to the boys about Resurrection, and why Jesus couldn’t just stop at Good Friday. Crucified and resurrected; sin and death beaten. We are forgiven, and we will live with Him.

On that note, maybe I can pass this along, too, for more listening material. Don’t spend your love on knowledge, morality, or activism: love and live for Jesus.

First Grade is certainly not up there on the list of academically intense school years, but there are some pretty important Big Rocks that have to get in place. And with that big rock concept in mind, I’ve realized there is, hands down, one thing I did this year that was the best thing.

This:

Back in August, as a million ideas were swirling around in my head, and so many different options for which direction to head with science, history, read-alouds, etc, I took my notebook out to a green patch of grass (remember those? Patches of grass?) and asked the Lord to help me focus. I knew there were some Big Rocks I didn’t want to miss, and I also knew that I would need a lot of tethering and reining in to keep from losing track of them. So, prayerfully, I made a list of goals for First Grade.

I kept things simple. I made first thing first. I included not just academic goals, but life skill goals, as well — besides learning information, how else did I want my young boy to grow?

The reason I say this was The Best Thing is because I can’t tell you how many times I have pulled out this list when the waves of discouragement were threatening to suck me under (or had already pretty much succeeded), only to realize, to my shock and amazement, that we were on track!! Impossible! But no — there it was, in black and white, recorded before the year’s craziness and boredom and comparisons could set in.

Write the vision; make it plain.

If you’re like me — an idealist who is never quite measuring up to the lofty dreams that live in my head — then a Spirit-led list can be a tool used by the Lord to reassure and confirm that He is working faithfully in our lives. Lists, when I make them under the guidance of the Holy Spirit (rather than out of the frantic angst and frustration of “I’m always behind”) really help me to be still. It’s true of New Year’s Eve prayer cards, of Goals for First Grade, and also of “Today’s To-Do List.” Really! The sun sets, and I may look around and see plenty of things that didn’t happen, but the three things I felt were important that day did happen, and I’m actually able to hear the Holy Spirit say, “See? Well done. Just be faithful.”

Since before William was born, I’ve wanted to dress a little girl a la Patricia Polacco. I finally had the inspiration, energy, and quiet afternoon to make the peasant dress and pinafore that have been taking up brain space for way too many years:

Yesterday morning, I put her hair in pigtails. I almost didn’t, because I’d rather be in denial sometimes and continue to call her baby, but I couldn’t resist.

And then, a few hours later, my sister offered a trim and I said yes. Good bye, baby hair and pigtails. Hello, little girl.

A year and a half. Amazing. So fast. And every day, smiles, laughter, challenges, looking into her eyes and marveling that God puts these little people into our lives to shepherd and nurture and carefully shape into who He wants them to be.

Recently, I’ve also been stirred to choose passages that will lay a foundation for unwavering trust in God — His character, His ability, and His love toward them. (Yes, that’s a broad spectrum!) When my siblings were younger, they were involved in a children’s program that largely consisted of earning badges. One badge was called the Bible Smuggler badge, and in order to earn it, a child had to memorize a book of the Bible. The idea behind it is that someday, if they are traveling into a closed country where Bibles are forbidden, they will still be able to smuggle scripture in: it’s in their hearts.

Perhaps that scenario is in my children’s future. But also, looking ahead, I have to really wonder: will this be that country someday? Someday soon? Is it possible that my children will live in a world where every trace of Truth has been, according to man’s best effort, eradicated?

One thing we can count on is change. Also, sin. Also, a prowling enemy. I need to be diligent to teach them as much Truth as I can — and do it with a sense of purpose and priority. (When they encounter change, sin, and an enemy, I want their hearts to rise up with this: But God!)

This week, we’ve started Psalm 46: “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, even though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea…”

Can anything take you by surprise when that truth is in your heart, alive, giving hope, speaking of love and faithfulness?

(And speaking of faithfulness, my favorite song to sing at bedtime (for them and for me!) is Great Is Thy Faithfulness. Hymns are chock full of truth, too, and with melodies that help it stick!)

What are some of your favorite scripture verses to hide in your heart?

(boys, on their way to being men.)

Sometimes life is just busy happening, and I don’t write. Sometimes, though, my head and heart are swirling with so many things, and what should be said? what does this mean? what do I think?

In February, we got back into routine: and we all thrive. Boys learned new chores and happily, proudly, rose to the occasion. School work gets done, books get read, piano is practiced, and playing is a wonderful privilege.

I think about holiness, which simply means living a life that looks more and more like Jesus in me. I remember how “friendship with the world is enmity with God” shaped so much of who I was as a young adult. Have I forgotten that? Have I grown too old, too tired, too “mature”? I hope not. I wonder what my idols are, where they’re hidden in the corners of my heart. I don’t want to confuse pregnancy exhaustion with soul complacency — and the one hides so conveniently in the shadows of the other. I ask myself again: What does it mean to be an alien in a foreign land? This is all passing away; do I live like that’s true?

I’m thankful for pilgrims, for patriots, for pioneers. I’m thankful for their spirit that continually sets an example. We (Ryan and I) talk at length and depth about their actions, their decisions, their words. We read Romans 13, and the Constitution, and ponder Lex Rex and what that means for us, in this day and age. We’ve been translated to the Kingdom of light, but we live out this life in families and nations; what does that mean? Things to wonder, and things that make this truth altogether clear: He has set eternity in my heart, and though the earth should be removed, my confidence is safely in Him.

These kids, this home, this church, this country, this passing Age, a King who has captured my heart: this, in short, is what is on my mind.

Take this morning, for example. Yes, it was freezing cold! But thanks to a warm fleece and coat Ryan bought for me, and wool for my head and hands, the cold doesn’t do too much damage. It was just enough to make me feel alive. I walked as briskly as I could, but had to stop often. This sort of morning can’t just go unnoticed.

The morning light on fresh snow? Diamonds, opals, pearls, silver. So delicate.