november 4

My hope is built on nothing less
than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
but wholly lean on Jesus’ name.

When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, and blood
support me in the ‘whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives way
He then is all my Hope and Stay

When He shall come with trumpet sound
Oh, may I then in Him be found!
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
faultless to stand before His throne.

On Christ the solid rock I stand!
All other ground is sinking sand—
all other ground is sinking sand.

Single in focus, single in passion, single in trust: that’s what I yearn to be. Christ, my only hope, my priceless treasure, my great reward.

pursued.

“If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.” Psalm 139

I think about that last week. I ponder the fact that God will go to the darkest depths to find me, to find you.

See, I don’t know what your ideas about Jesus are. Most people think He’s just sitting in line up there with every other world religious leader — somewhat unattainable, but they love to sit and watch us try. Be this, be that, do more, go there. Maybe it’ll get you somewhere in the end, maybe it’ll just make life more good.

But no, that’s not Jesus.

He doesn’t sit, watching us try, knowing we can never succeed. He came. He comes.

My dad said once: we have this idea that the farther we walk away from God, the more steps we’ll have to retrace in returning to Him. But that’s not true, because the most anyone ever has to do is turn. And there He is.

Even if I make my bed in hell, still there You will find me.

I think about that, and then I hear this. This says it all. Give it a listen.

making plans, following his lead

Halfway through get-ready-for-school week:

Crayons, pencils, construction paper, glue.

Books that teach reading, books that teach math, books that teach piano, books that tell stories, books to just learn.

Chore charts revamped, priorities sorted, schedules made.

A list of projects that may or may not be realistic in the remaining days.

Doing my best. That’s what this all represents: me taking my responsibility as homemaker, nutritionist, school teacher, character developer, and job trainer seriously. I do my best to sort out pie-in-the-sky idealism — this isn’t about creating the quintessential homeschool, whole foods, wholesome kids setting: it’s about honoring God to the best of my abilities.

I sit on my stoop Monday morning, coffee in hand, looking out over the glistening dew on our fields, and I ponder this. I remind my soul: this is for the Lord. He wants us to grow in work ethic, in attitude, in ability, in wonder, in body, and all of this is our eager response to that desire. All of my plans, my schedules, my charts — simply an effort to honor and grow. So then, I remind my soul, of course He can change my plans, interrupt our days. If this is all really for Him — if, indeed, this is about more than just controlling every moment of our lives and seeing it run the way I have planned — then He is free to lead our lives. All of the things I want to teach and the character I want to impart through these schedules and activities can only truly be brought about by the Holy Spirit.

He is the ultimate School Master. I must remind myself of this. Every day.

May my heart be oriented towards Jesus, not toward my methods.

balance?

The question of balance plagues me continually. I’m sure I’m not the only one. The melancholy idealist, must-do-the-right-thing firstborn in me agonizes over everything, trying desperately to know what’s right. Which food: health, time, money? Which clothes: how many, how much, how fancy? Which outings: am I building my home or being a recluse, building the kingdom or neglecting my hearth? Which tasks: goal oriented or people oriented? Radical living: give it all away, say thank you and enjoy? This moment: should I be doing what I’m doing, or am I missing it?

Am I missing it???

That is the churning that is my [almost] constant companion.

Thankfully, when I still myself long enough to notice that stomach-in-knots churning, I can tell myself that there is peace.

But how? How is there peace? Will God tell me the exact number of outings per week a woman of virtue says yes to?

No.

There is no perfect balance. There is only the will of the Father.

Moment by moment, hearing, seeing, and then doing.

This, after all, isn’t about knowing God’s plan for my life. It’s about knowing Him.

“My food,” said Jesus, “is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work.”

“I delight to do Your will, O my God.”

a little bit of everything


Beatrice, out on Kevin and Liz’s boat

July 17th is a big deal this year: Beatrice is eleven months old today, and next month, we start counting by years. We are all so in love with this happy, spunky, silly girl. The feeling is mutual, of course. She loves her brothers and adores her daddy. The funny thing about being the mom is that love is simply assumed. She crawls after the boys and works so hard to get a laugh from Ryan, but me? She just knows I’m here. Being a mama is such a privilege.


Watching this afternoon’s storm come in

It’s raining.* This is also a big deal. Our grass is so dry that walking on it hurts. Worse, crops are dying of thirst. Needless to say, the sound of rain as I woke up thrilled me. I do not begin to have the emotional stamina and resiliency needed for farming, but the closer I get to my local farms through greater dependency on them for food, the more I get to share in those ups and downs. Hats off to them.


Pretty breakfasts are one of my favorite things

I got to read through Animal, Vegetable, Miracle again, since one of the moms groups at church decided upon that book for a fun summer read. Second time through, I caught little things I missed the first time. One thing Kingsolver pointed out was that while Good Eating is full of positives in many cultures (think Provence, Tuscany…), Good Eating in the States is a food culture of negatives: you can’t have dessert. Drink skim milk. Low sodium cold cuts for you. Freezer meal while your family eats KFC. And largely, I think that’s true. If my friends and I have a conversation about healthy eating, what gets talked about? What we can’t eat. I realized that part of what I’ve so enjoyed about creating a home for my family has been defining a good and positive food culture. Instead of depriving ourselves of yumminess and calling it healthy, we’re eating delicious food that celebrates taste and health. Guess what? God wants us to be healthy, and He didn’t bother creating a Crystal Light plant in the Garden of Eden — so maybe there are actually yummy ways to be healthy. Right?

Of course, that idea of “good” being a concept riddled with negativity made me think about so many other things. How often does our meditation on a “good and holy” God turn into thoughts of what isn’t holy instead of what is? After mulling this over for weeks, and thinking about how I want to live a life of “I get to!” in front of my kids, I read C. S. Lewis’ words on the subject. He, naturally, says it much better than I ever could:

If you asked twenty good men to-day what they thought the highest of the virtues, nineteen of them would reply, Unselfishness. But if you asked almost any of the great Christians of old he would have replied, Love. You see what has happened? A negative term has been substituted for a positive, and this is of more than philological importance. The negative ideal of Unselfishness carries with it the suggestion not primarily of securing good things for others, but of going without them ourselves, as if our abstinence and not their happiness was the important point. I do not think this is the Christian virtue of Love. The New Testament has lots to say about self-denial, but not about self-denial as an end in itself. We are told to deny ourselves and to take up our crosses in order that we may follow Christ; and nearly every description of what we shall ultimately find if we do so contains an appeal to desire. If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is no part of the Christian faith. Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased. [more…]


Pirates, sleeping in our very own yard!

Today I dropped off my IHIP — required by the state of NY for home schooled children. All spring and summer, thoughts about next year’s school has occupied a place on the back burner of my mind. Now, heading into summer’s end, it’s time to move thinking into planning. Not that first grade is terribly complicated or taxing — but still, there are priorities to sort and Big Rocks to put in first, because how quickly our jars fill with the pebbles of life.

I’m thrilled to have the opportunity to teach Jameson at home. The further along this road called Family that I find myself, the more I realize how much there is to reevaluate, and how much lives outside the box. Another brief side note Kingsolver makes in her book is the observation of the school year: children originally had the summer off because their families needed their help during planting and harvest. Yes. School doesn’t need to rule our lives; it should fit into and enhance our lives. That made me stop and ask: How do our children fit into this family? And how does school fit into that? We have the incredibly daunting responsibility of shaping and equipping children to become young men and women of ethic, honor, and function. I’m so very thankful to know that God has called us and God has anointed us in this endeavor.

*I wrote this post this morning, and then the rain returned in force this afternoon. Hopefully the farmers were blessed, and the people in Potsdam certainly had a fair share of excitement!

it’s hard work

Sometimes I’m so busy raising kids that I feel like I’m missing their lives. (Does that even make sense? Yes? No?)

That sensation hit strong a couple of weeks ago. I was feeling really bad for myself. Feeling like these kids are growing up so quickly, and I’m missing the whole thing because they’re such handfuls.

And then I sort of laughed at myself. Laughed because I get so, so, so sidetracked sometimes!

The Holy Spirit reminded me: The point of all this is not sentimentality. It is not the “How Many Warm Fuzzies Can You Have” game. A string of exhausting days with few-and-far-between picture perfect moments does not necessarily equal failure. (My melancholy mind always jumps right to failure. Sorry if that seems dramatic. Ha!)

The point (He reminded me) is
— young boys to men
— fools to wisdom seekers
— darkness to light

There is very little that is cute, warm, or fuzzy about those things. They are serious, war-waging, blood-sweat-and-tears things.

So should I feel like I’m a failure when I’m exhausted? When I feel utterly spent? No. I’m in the trenches and should be giving 100%.

When we were first married, Ryan would sometimes remark on how tired he was. Our dear landlord would smile and say, in his Down East way, “Well, it’s Friday evening. If you’re not tired on Friday evening, you’re doing something wrong.”

And sometimes I have to remind myself of the same thing: Stop being an idealist. Real life is work, and being tired isn’t a sign of failure. (Yes, it’s a sign of weakness, but I’m learning to be content even in that.) Do I need to cave to the flesh when I’m tired? No. There’s grace for that. And joy, too.

But this is not vacation; this is work. This is not my destination; I am moving forward. There are gifts along the way that fill my mama-heart with incredible joy — but that is not the end goal. To see Jesus formed in them. That will be the greatest joy.