january 2013

This New Year’s Day, a simple prayer grips my heart: Here I am, send me.

Wonderful Savior, my heart belongs to thee
I will remember always the blood You shed for me
Wonderful Savior, my heart will know Your worth
So let me embrace You always as I walk this earth

Be blessed, be loved, be lifted high
Be treasured here, be glorified
I owe my life to You, my Lord
Here I am

Beautiful Jesus, how may I bless Your heart?
Knees to the earth I bow down to everything You are
Beautiful Jesus, You are my only worth
So I will embrace You always as I walk this earth

(Listen here.)

november 5

Listen.

That’s the word that I finally heard as I sat in quiet this evening. Listen.

Some days, I’m a chicken with my head cut off, dashing, darting, furiously trying to stay ahead. Most days, I’m more like a bulldozer: not especially fast, but not especially interested in doing anything other than moving ahead, so step aside. Hardly any days do I resemble a listening follower, much less a listening mother.

Listen.

I sit in silence, a flickering candle, Beatrice nursing, then falling into deep sleep. I reflect. There is a Voice speaking to me, trying to get my attention, willing to give wisdom and guidance. I hear that Voice, quiet, politely trying to interject. Do I listen? Not always.

I quench the Spirit.

Quench the Spirit.

And oh, that makes me sad. Really, really sad. God Himself wants to speak eternal perspective and the power of grace! He does! Will I listen??

Speak, Lord, for Your servant is listening. Listening.

And these precious little ones, so in tune with the little details of their little lives — they need me to listen, too. Their eyes are wide, their ears aware, their hearts absorbing. I glance towards the back of the van and see Jameson looking out the window — eyes practically pulsing with the speed at which he’s absorbing this world around him. What does he see? What is he thinking? What does he want to say? Listen.

See that boy, being amazed by the simple miracle of eggs + high heat? Be like him. Slow down. Listen.

And say yes.

new things

It’s Friday evening. Inside, there’s the peace of sleeping children; outside, a chorus of crickets. (I love that so much!) Tonight, I’m tired. My feet ache, my eyes burn, tired. But that’s okay. You’re supposed to be tired on Friday night. Especially when it marks the end of a packed-full-of-new-starts week:

On Monday, Beatrice started walking. She’d been taking a couple of steps here and there for several weeks — and then Monday morning, she just got a fire in her eyes and walked across the room. We’ve been highly entertained by her adorable, tipsy walking all week long. Do I have any videos of this adorable walk? Of course not! She drops to her hands and knees the minute I pull out my phone. It really is cute. And shocking — I’m still caught off guard when I look up and she’s walking down the hall. My baby is growing up.

On Tuesday, we implemented a new fall routine. I’d worked on it a few weeks ago, trying so hard to sort out priorities for this year and make room for it all. I finally got it all squeezed into 5 24-hour slots. Phew. Then Ryan casually said, “As long as you still have plenty of time for Bible reading,” and I read somewhere that one should consider “starting your day slowly.” Ugh. I knew I hadn’t quite gotten the priorities accurately sorted. So I went back to the drawing board, asking the Lord to help me let go of the unnecessary “good” things — and I feel like He really did. Granted, it’s only been a week, but still — I’m shocked by how much “slow” time there has been each morning. Time to smile, to wake up a bit slowly with a book and an afghan, to eat a real breakfast, to slip in a few minutes outdoors before gathering at the table. Starting our days with that sort of pace just seems to help us.

I am walking. Thirty minutes, early in the morning, I have been slipping out the door for some exercise. It’s working. There are some seasons when fitting in any form of exercise has seemed like an insurmountable impossibility. But right now, with these three kids at these ages, it’s working. I’m really happy.

Wednesday was our first day of school. Books have been arriving via UPS for weeks, but I kept them tucked away in my closet. On Tuesday night, I tied them up with ribbons and slipped a card for each boy into their stack. It was like Christmas. They couldn’t wait to start! Jameson is in 1st grade, and is eager to learn to read. William is happy to be included at the table with all sorts of pre-K activities. Along with reading, math, history, and science, Jameson is starting piano lessons. He is over the moon excited about that! He slips away to the piano all through the day, happily practicing his two-black-key songs. It’s pretty cute!

This isn’t exactly new this week, but it’s still relatively new: Ryan’s got a beard. He’s very worried I’ll get him mixed up with George Clooney, but so far, I’ve been able to keep them straight. I think he looks very handsome.

The best new start of the week, by far, was the one that happened every morning — or even more often, depending on how regularly I needed to stop and start over. How thankful I am for grace that never gets old, for mercy that makes all things new.

balance?

The question of balance plagues me continually. I’m sure I’m not the only one. The melancholy idealist, must-do-the-right-thing firstborn in me agonizes over everything, trying desperately to know what’s right. Which food: health, time, money? Which clothes: how many, how much, how fancy? Which outings: am I building my home or being a recluse, building the kingdom or neglecting my hearth? Which tasks: goal oriented or people oriented? Radical living: give it all away, say thank you and enjoy? This moment: should I be doing what I’m doing, or am I missing it?

Am I missing it???

That is the churning that is my [almost] constant companion.

Thankfully, when I still myself long enough to notice that stomach-in-knots churning, I can tell myself that there is peace.

But how? How is there peace? Will God tell me the exact number of outings per week a woman of virtue says yes to?

No.

There is no perfect balance. There is only the will of the Father.

Moment by moment, hearing, seeing, and then doing.

This, after all, isn’t about knowing God’s plan for my life. It’s about knowing Him.

“My food,” said Jesus, “is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work.”

“I delight to do Your will, O my God.”

favorites: psalm 138

psalm 138

I will give You thanks with all my heart;
I will sing praises to You before the gods.
I will bow down toward Your holy temple
And give thanks to Your name for Your lovingkindness and Your truth;
For You have magnified Your word according to all Your name.

On the day I called, You answered me;
You made me bold with strength in my soul.

All the kings of the earth will give thanks to You, O LORD,
When they have heard the words of Your mouth.
And they will sing of the ways of the LORD,
For great is the glory of the LORD.
For though the LORD is exalted,
Yet He regards the lowly,
But the haughty He knows from afar.

Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
You will revive me;
You will stretch forth Your hand against the wrath of my enemies,
And Your right hand will save me.

The LORD will accomplish what concerns me;
Your lovingkindness, O LORD, is everlasting ;
Do not forsake the works of Your hands.

favorites: psalm 16

I love love the Word of God. (That’s not to be confused with read reading the Word, as I’m always wishing and wanting to do better at making Bible reading more of a priority.) I am amazed at the miracle it is — how alive it is, thousands of years later. Tozer wrote about that in his book The Knowledge of the Holy — about how the voice of God continues to reverberate through time, and those “sound waves” have creative power in those who hear. Think about it: I have read a passage tens, dozens, hundreds of times, and suddenly! Suddenly it’s alive in my heart. Suddenly it speaks to deadness and there is life, chains and there is freedom, old and there is new. And those alive fragments of scripture that are hidden deeply in my heart, they change me and shape me into who I am. Every thought process, every life event is seen through those living, powerful Words. What a gift.

Now and then, someone mentions that they’ve not really read much of the Bible, usually (if they’re talking to me!) they’re busy with kids, and they don’t really know where to start. With that in the back of my mind, I’ve decided to post a favorite passage, with or without commentary, for the next several days. Whether familiar or brand new to you, I hope you enjoy right along with me.

psalm 16:5-11

O Lord, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup;
You maintain my lot.
The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;
Yes, I have a good inheritance.

I will bless the Lord who has given me counsel;
My heart also instructs me in the night seasons.
I have set the Lord always before me;
Because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved.
Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices;
My flesh also will rest in hope.
For You will not leave my soul in Sheol,
Nor will You allow Your Holy One to see corruption.
You will show me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Verses 5 and 6 are always in my heart — when I’m fearful about the future, wondering why my life is the way it is, worried that I’m not cut out for “it”, needing to surrender and declare that Jesus is my reward — those words keep me on track.

He gives counsel, He makes steadfast, in Him my heart is glad.

And “You will show me the path of life” — is there any greater truth?