babies

Have you seen this one?

Mmmm. Nice memories.

Have you seen this one?

Last night, when he was safely tucked in under a generous layering of quilts (brrr!), I slipped out to the couch where Ryan was coding [working]. And for the longest time, we just smiled, sighed, and talked about what a blessing our little man is.

We spend entire evenings enjoying his silly games, making him giggle, or just being quiet while he contentedly plays and looks at books. He doesn’t stay in his play corner for long, though. He has to touch base regularly with a pat on our legs, a quick cuddle on a lap, or just scrunching up his little face and making us laugh with him. What a joy he is.

I read her post last night and had to smile: sound just like Jameson! I don’t even know how often or how many times he wakes at night, but the general answer to those questions is frequently and many. Plenty of mornings I’ve wondered if I’m doing something wrong, if I need to do something more, if he’ll ever sleep an entire night in his own bed… A few days ago, I read her article (again!), and was strengthened again to do this mothering thing the way that I feel the Lord calling me. You can’t out-give God — and that’s true for me, right now, in this season of my life when giving to God looks like giving to my family.

Mostly, I just know that this is what the Lord has asked of me, the instincts He put in my heart, and it’s my response to His call to do and give my very best. And so as wonderful as it is for Jameson, as bonding as it is, and as healthy as it is, mostly I find joy in it because it’s obedience and worship to a God I love.

today, yesterday…

It’s cold, gray, and rainy.

It’s the kind of day that somehow smells like a cup of hot chai. Because you know that the only way to truly redeem a day like today is to sit with an afghan and sip something hot and spiced.

Ahh. Yes, days like today are an excuse to revel in everything cozy.

That said, I have not, in fact, sipped anything warm, and I don’t know where the nearest available afghan is.

Still, those are my thoughts on today.

*****

Sometimes Jameson does something that is at once so adorable that it makes my heart hurt. I can’t always explain why such things are adorable, or why they make we want to cry, but I have my hunches.

One such thing was that today, he fell asleep (at last, after having a grumpy few hours) in my arms, and when I carried him into the bedroom, I caught a glimpse of us in the mirror. His sweet baby arm was dangling, and his chubby baby fingers were clutching — even in sleep — the plastic lid he’d last been playing with.

And I suddenly had one of those heart pains.

My hunch is that those pains have something to do with him growing up someday.

*****

Yesterday, my sisters took off with my baby. They walked down to see Aubrey, and he happily followed them.

And I — well, I made a nice curried chicken soup, happily chopping potatoes and herbs and carrots with no interruption. I made a nice spiced pound cake, and washed all of the dishes as soon as I was done. I grabbed some scissors and scrounged up a little bouquet from the last of Mom’s gardens. All without interruption.

Oh, I loved those quiet hours in my mom’s kitchen, happily making a meal I knew she’d enjoy, that I knew would bless her. Felt like the “old” days.

But you know what? I sort of missed my little sidekick, pulling himself up with the aid of my pants…

the traveling mother’s worst nightmare. (or at least a really bad dream.)

We’re here, in Maine. We flew from San Francisco to Atlanta, and from there into Portland. I’m not a fan of flying, but if there was anything enjoyable, it was seeing the beautiful East Coast beneath us. New Jersey gives way to Long Island’s distinct shape — then Connecticut to Boston to Cape Cod. Then over Casco Bay we flew, passing little islands lush with trees just beginning their autumnal transformation, quaint New England clapboard houses nestled between… So very eastern. I loved it!

Of course, our arrival into this lovely port city was not without its bumps.

First, you must know that I loathe flying. My claustrophobia and motion sickness work together to make it a very uncomfortable experience. As I approached this trip, fear and trepidation were running their course, especially as Jameson became more and more active. I was dreading it — and that’s an understatement.

(Now, as I sat in that tin can in the sky for hours on end, it occurred to me that it is perhaps possible and even necessary for me to employ more faith in my attitude towards flying. In other words, I need to do an attitude check. I’m thinking maybe I’ll do that in the proverbial tomorrow, but I have a feeling the Holy Spirit won’t let me get away with that.)

I boarded the plane bound for Atlanta with a brave face, determined to make the best of the horrible situation I found myself in. Squeezing my way down the aisle (an awful experience in and of itself), I finally found my seat. A young woman sat in the chair beside mine, and I smiled at her in a way that I hope conveyed, “Hi. I’m in the seat next to you. I sincerely hope you have a love for children — and I apologize ahead of time for all of the times my son kicks you while he’s nursing, or grabs the zipper on your coat, or pulls your hair, or says ‘Hi!’ while you’re trying to sleep.” Fortunately, she smiled warmly, introduced herself, and played with Jameson the entire flight.

(See? I need to do an attitude check. God is much better to me than I am to Him, I’m afraid… but that shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone, I suppose!)

Five hours later, we touched down in Atlanta. Jameson had slept for the first hour of the flight; the consecutive hours were spent entertaining him with crackers, books, rattles, peek-a-boo, and anything else I could think of. He was, of course, a fabulous baby. Fabulous. He never even cried, or tried to get off my lap, or any of the awful things I just knew were going to happen. I was, however, exhausted, and dreading the next 2.5 hour flight to Portland — but looking forward to sleeping at my mother in law’s comfy bed.

I had one hour to get to my connecting flight. I checked my gate number, then double checked, and then — because I have my father’s genes — I triple checked. Two or three times. Quickly and efficiently, but without panic or stress (because that has never garnered me success in airport situations), I found a bathroom, changed the baby, bought a drink, and got to my gate.

I quickly realized that the small print on my ticket had been taken advantage of (Gate C** [subject to change]). Yes, my gate had been changed. I got directions to my new gate. Quickly (quickly is getting faster and faster by now), I got myself and my baby and our few belongings down the elevator, found the right gate, and sat down right next to the desk. Phew!

Then I remembered that Ryan had asked me to touch base when I landed in Atlanta, so I called him. He talked to Jameson for a bit, then to me, and at some point he mentioned what time it was on the East Coast. I almost dropped the phone. My plane was supposed to leave at 8:10, and according to him, it was 8:13 — and no one anywhere was boarding a plane to Portland.

“Excuse me,” I asked the girls at the desk. “Aren’t you boarding the plane for Portland?”

Panic was creeping up the back of my neck, and I already knew — I knew — what she was going to say:

“Portland?! Goodness, no! That plane is gone! Long gone!”

Tears, yes, tears sprang to my eyes.

“But — but I never even heard my name called! I’ve been in this terminal, trying to find the right gate, and I never heard my name or anything!”

She was young, it was late, and perhaps she hasn’t taken her People Skills Training course yet — I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. But the truth is, her answer was,

“Oh, we called you. We sure did.”

Umm, first, I haven’t told you my name, I thought. Second, don’t talk to me in that tone of voice.

I said neither of those things. (Must be that attitude check was already starting.)

I called Ryan. I was crying. I was tired — exhausted, actually. I had a baby. I had two totes — one with baby toys, and one with snacks. And I was stranded somewhere I have never, ever intended to be, far, far away from anyone I knew. Yes. I was crying.

So I asked Ryan if he could be there in 5 minutes.

He said no.

Can you imagine?

I was left to fend for myself. I found the service desk, wiped my tears, and whistled a happy tune — or something like that.

The lady at the service desk had apparently aced the People Skills class, because upon hearing that I’d missed my flight, she said, “Well, you seem very calm about it all. If that happened to me when I had a baby and was all alone, well…” Then she explained that my flight from CA had run late, and there had been no way for me to make it to the connection in time. In short, it was their fault. Consequently, she booked me a ticket for the following morning, and then gave me vouchers for a hotel and a meal.

Two hours later, I was finally booked into the hotel room. It was 9:30 pm, and although my body should have been registering only 6:30, I was definitely feeling like it was midnight. However, it was not yet time for bed. I threw Jameson back in the stroller and walked down to a convenience store to purchase diapers and deodorant. I figured those were the important things. After grabbing a sub (not my favorite, but hey…), we went back to the hotel, locked the door, and went to bed.

The next morning, we were up at the crack of dawn and back at the airport. Four hours later, Casco Bay and Auntie Sarah.

And four hours after that, dinner with the whole family — Nana Dunphey and Bob, Papa and Meme, Nana, Auntie Bec, Auntie Sarah, and best of all, cousin Cam.

So, my worst nightmare while flying happened. And…

I lived.

What do you know? Like Jamie always says, it’s the pessimists who are pleasantly surprised.

(Although I think that’s not the moral of the story. I’m pretty sure the attitude check is what I’m supposed to walk away with.)

pro-life or anti-abortion?

I’m leaving tomorrow for 10 days in Maine, followed by 10 days in NY. I’m not packed, the house is not clean (quite the opposite, actually), and I don’t even have a list of what I need to have with me when I board the plane. So I shouldn’t be sitting here, posting to my blog, but I am anyway.

Because after reading this earlier (I’ve got the link in the sidebar, too, so yes, you may have already read it), I’ve been stirred afresh to value life.

I’ve heard my dad say it countless times when explaining his plethora of children, or, more accurately, his heart towards having a plethora of children: He came to a realization 20 years ago that, while the Church was growing increasingly active and vocal in what they called a pro-life stance, they were really only anti-abortion. And God calls us to be pro-life. It’s one thing to not condone mass murder; it’s another thing to love children.

I loved what Jess said in her post — that the most important action you can take in the war against abortion is to begin valuing life. All life. I was challenged again to go out of my way to cherish every person I encounter, and to be the strongest voice of enthusiasm to every newly-pregnant mom I meet — regardless of how many they already have, how young their previous is, and how much their husband brings home.

I have so much in my heart on this subject, and am so glad that the Holy Spirit brought it the surface again, to challenge me and take me higher.

Jess also linked to Randy Alcorn’s top 50 things you can do as a pro-lifer. Read them and get stirred again to be active in the war against abortion.

But even more, be stirred to be active in valuing life.

P.S. There is so much more to be said on this. I’ll try and revisit it. In the meantime, share your thoughts — I’d love to hear them!

10:13pm, one year later

Dear Jameson,

Today you are one year old. Someday all traces of this past year of infancy will be gone, giving way to the man you are to become. Before Time steals the memories, I want to record a few thoughts for you to read later on.

While I had always thought “family” in the back of my mind regarding my future, I was not a young girl whose only dream was babies. I had a good theology on children, and the blessing they are, and I was ready to embrace any God chose to send my way, but I had never even bothered to try imagining what motherhood would be like.

When I discovered that you were a baby, growing in my womb, my first feelings were (frankly) fear and panic of having a baby inside of me that would and must come out! My second thought? Total awe. I began thinking back to when you were conceived — I was busy decorating Christmas cookies and wrapping gifts to give and preparing to celebrate my first Christmas as a Dunphey. I never had any thought of a baby. And what amazed me was that God knew. While I was busy grocery shopping and cleaning, God was carefully planning your arrival. How amazing and wonderful that was to me! How Divine a gift did your life seem to me!

Even while pregnant, and even as you grew and began to move inside of me, I still couldn’t fully comprehend what this mothering thing would be like. I tried to be as excited as everyone seemed to indicate I ought to be, but, well, I’d never been a mom! I had no idea what to expect!

Oh, my dear sweet son, but when you were delivered, I was overcome, completely overwhelmed, with love for you. When your screaming, writhing little body entered the world; when you were laid on my chest, clearly a boy-child; when you were swaddled and capped and snuggled in my arms that first night, my heart ached with the swelling of love for you.

Since that first night, we have shared 356 days and nights. I can count on one hand (probably 3 fingers!) how many hours we’ve been apart. You’ve been my little buddy, my dear companion, my sweet babe. I would never have thought, previous to September 15, 2006, that I would find the ability to be “on call” every hour of every day — and would love every moment of it. For truly, you have been a joy. I savor the memories of even the first challenges — when I was too exhausted to think, when your fussing increased and my attempts to soothe were futile, when you decided bedtime should be 3 am — those were fleeting days off newness, and they were precious. Then came months of discovery — of toys and games, of spitting and johnny-jump-ups, of first smiles and first laughs, first scooches and first sitting. I wonder how many hours I’ve spent just watching you this past year? Many. Many, many.

Now you are one. You are sitting and crawling, and you could stand with a bit of courage — of that, I’m sure. You are saying, “Hi,” into your play phone and reading books to yourself, and giving kisses. And, yes, there are moments of training as you learn boundaries and discover that you, too, have a will that must yield. You are showing signs of a delightful, friendly, and loving little boy who is leaving babyhood behind.

And this new stage, as every one previous, has captured my heart. Your little hands, chubby feet, bluest of eyes and softest of curls have all been memorized a thousand times over. You, Jameson, are so loved by your mama.

I’m not sure I’m ready for this one year old thing, but I’ve reminded myself since the first bits of newborn were left behind: you were born to be a man. You have destiny and purpose on your life that we have yet to fully discover — and discover we will! Behind are days of snuggles and softness; ahead are years of learning of a heavenly Father’s love for you and His design for your days. Surely we can say the best is yet to come!

I’ve never had a son before. I hope you’ll excuse my fumbling and stumbling, and yes, even the imperfection of my human love. My prayer is that in my best efforts and in my worst failings — that in both, you’ll see the depths of the grace of God in Jesus Christ.

I love you, Ryan Jameson. I’m so glad that the Lord is letting me be your mama.

worth.

Sigh.

Somehow, today sort of ran me over. Broadsided me. Mowed me down. It was a hit and run that left me here, stunned, trying to understand how it could already be dinner time.

Where did it go? How did it slip through my fingers so quickly? How did it hit so hard, take such a toll, and leave me with nothing to show for it?

The baby fell into peaceful naptime slumber, nursing contentedly. It was then that I heard the whisper, clear as day,

What a waste this day was.”

I smiled ruefully. Wow. I can’t believe I just let that thought pass through my mind. But I did. It was there. Dark and shadowy and real.

I’ve been around the block a few too many times to let it linger. Those sorts of thoughts need nothing more than to be immediately evicted.

Evict I do, determined to replace fable with truth.

Let’s see, I begin. Today was not a waste, because today I, umm, well, I made coffee. Right. Let’s see, then I well, took a shower. Yes, that’s good. K, theennnn, oh! Laundry! I did some laundry!…

Obviously this is not the right approach for winning this battle, as today’s accomplishments of a little cleaning, a little cooking, and a few diapers don’t amount to much more than that whispered suggestion of a waste.

I try another tack.

I look down at sleeping babe, the one who jabbered and played all the while I made dinner; who, when I paused to notice him happily entertaining himself, smiled peacefully at me and caused a prayer of thanksgiving to bubble up in me. This babe whose smile widened when I put on the ergo, who made me laugh when I realized how much he truly enjoys being on my back while I water gardens, pull garbage cans from the road’s edge, chop onions and garlic, switch the loads from washer to dryer. He gave me a bit of a run for my money today, somehow getting out of the starting gate with a bit more speed than I could match, but we managed to fall into our rhythm of mama and child. Sleeping now, I caress his chubby arm, touch his fat fingers clasped around a fistful of my shirt. His shortened curls shine like copper pennies. I breathe deeply, and know that I love him even deeper.

And I know that I can’t compute today’s worth, for I’ve lost track of the smiles we shared, the I love yous that were spoken, the little songs and scriptures recited. I think of the man who has been gone since morning, working hard when he likes it and when he doesn’t, because we need him to be our provider. And I realize again that the sum is greater than the parts: that dinner made, laundry clean, gardens tended, house tidied equals a home for him.

Greatest of all, there is One ever watching, calculating, adding, causing our sowing to bring later reaping — and there has never been a day in history that has slipped through His fingers. He knows each moment, each smile, each word and thought and gesture of kindness — and He says that they count.

And He’s always right.